Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: a-holes, des moines, des moines city council, downtown, drinking, food, Food Blogs, food cart regulation, food cart strangulation, french, history lesson, hugs, tacos, thanksgiving, Vegan, wild story telling
Here it is, the day that is celebrated around the world as being the one day of the week to not celebrate. What used to happen around these parts when the Un-celebrate-able showed up on our doorstep in that cute little basket with a note stating that it is our duty to tend to Little Orphan Monday, was a report on the news. I think it is about time we continue that tradition by talking a little about an upcoming tradition, and some presently-forming traditions, and a little smidge of news.
Now, I don’t know what “historical” account of what went down between the Natives of what came to be North America and their pasty white devil guests you believe, and I don’t really know what to believe either as the IRS wasn’t around to require the “pilgrims” keep track of their receipts and Facebook wasn’t around to record the status updates of all parties involved. I am also not entirely sure what significance the Turkey had on the original ‘Uh…Thanks for Giving us this Stuff” meal, but I would bet all the buckled shoes and goofy hats in all of history that none of what we have been taught is historically factual/accurate. Since everyone has their own version of this lovely holiday story, I thought I would relay to you, the Faithful Tens, an abridged version of MY favorite story of Thanksgiving and the significance of the Turkey in all of this history stuff, as told to me by a very intoxicated friend who we will refer to as uh, Burt.
Burt wasn’t there for the first, as he calls it, “Turkey Holocaust Day,” but he thinks that the Wild Turkey he has been imbibing has given him some historical insight that those of us not holding the Shot Glass of Knowledge just wouldn’t get. Here is Burt’s story:
Some a-holes from Europe decided to float their boats toward China but the dumbasses didn’t know that America was in the way. A lot of people say that they left Spain or England or whatever so they could practice their religion, but that’s a load of crap. Who loads up a bunch of boats and people for a million mile trip when they could just move to France, where nobody gives a shit about anything but butter and cream anyway. I say they were just bored rich people like those teenagers who decided that they would try to sail around the world until their parents were like “oh no you aint” and the courts agreed and there were a few failures. It’s amazing what bored rich people are capable of. So they got in their fancy boats and went for a trip. They landed here, and met some Indians who were like “oh, these guys don’t have cool red beards and fancy animals carved on their boats [I think he is talking about the Vikings at this point], they look awfully uptight and probably need to chill out” so these Indians, you see, have the peace pipe and they offer it to the Pilgrims and they smoked. The pilgrims, used to “snuff” and uppers got really high and paranoid. They asked if the Indians had any snacks, and were like “hey, you don’t look like yer from China.” The Indians brought the Pilgrims some potatoes and berries and gave them directions to their “guy” in case they needed the hook up later. The Indians went about their business, but the Pilgrims were high, paranoid, and freaking out. So they gave them Smallpox. Not a very cool trade if you ask me…hey, can I get another shot? So anyway, the Pilgrims start taking out these Indians like they were all gangsta. They were doing some real damage, then decided to take over the whole country. Most of the Indians moved away from the East Coast because the hostile ass Pilgrims were always acting up, this is also why the East Coast is so much more hard core than the West Coast. It was the pilgrims, man! The Pilgrims then started killing turkeys. The TURKEYS are a symbol of the Indian. That’s why we can’t eat the Turkey man, it’s totally racist. We should only DRINK the turkey. Then the Pilgrims got into a big war with the French over some shit that wasn’t theirs in the first place, totally a white man thing to do, and shit they should have just moved to France to begin with and taken over France. Then maybe Paris would be New York City and America would be safer.
Thank you, Burt, for your amazing telling of the first Thanksgiving. I feel as though we all should have been wearing buckles on our shoes and hats for that one. Burt may be full of crap and Wild Turkey (I honestly thought he would pass out right after that last shot, before the France Rant), but his version brings up some very good points.
- America is not China. Fact.
- History, no matter how factual, is still very subjective.
- Turkey probably wasn’t served at the first “Thanksgiving”
- There was a land dispute between the colonies and the French.
- Bored Rich people can come up with some stupid things to do with their money.
- The Native Americans gave the Pilgrims food that they had gathered LOCALLY.
That’s right, no matter what the real story surrounding this Novemberly holiday encompasses, the real reason to celebrate is this
The Natives of our continent ate locally, as we should.
That’s right, everyone. Whether you rock the turkey or the tofurkey, this year make it a point to give thanks for the real bounty produced by your local farmers and livestockists. Am I going to give you all the resources to contact the sources for this Locs-Giving feast? No, as a local news person has been working on an article about said subject and I am pretty sure all of you are going to read said juicy article when it drops in your local orange colored news stands. I think she has a good start and look forward to seeing what she has to say. Seriously.
On to the News…
Taco Bike, oh Taco bike. Two weeks ago the Des Moines City Council passed a new set of rules for food carts. New rules state that food cart vendors can not operate between the hours of 1:30 am and 5:30 am due to drunk people. The DMPD claims that the one or two food carts that set up in the 4th and Court district are causing drunks to fight, and that it is too much of a strain on the city to police these trouble-makers. Ok. The food carts serve food, not alcohol. The food carts do their business serving drunks like anyone else, but BETTER because they are on the street and can see/look out for people who are passing by or eating. They have more control over their crowds and have more of a reason to control what is going on with the drunks in front of their stands than the other store front businesses in the area. The Food Carts do not manufacture drunks, the bars do. Food carts don’t make a society full of pushy, macho assholes, society does. Food Carts don’t cause traffic congestion, especially on 4th street where traffic is pretty minimal, drunks stopping in the middle of the street to “holla at their bros” do. Food Carts don’t cause more Police off-duty overtime, drunks do. Food Carts aren’t the only reason people have to interact socially outside of store-front businesses, the smoking ban causes quite a bit of sidewalk run ins with drunks and aggro homeless peoples. This all reeks of some business owner (I suspect the initials TF are involved) getting upset and claiming that the food carts are “stealing their business,” (a similar cry that caused the stunting of our Food Truck revolution) then the Powers That Be make up a story that is full of speculation and about as air tight as my buddy Burt’s account of Thanksgiving’s historical roots, causing a quiet vote and rule change. Or maybe I am just paranoid as a Pilgrim… At any rate, you can read about it here at the Des Moines Register site and here at Eater PDX (thank you, DMZ City Council for causing Portland to say it “Sucks To Be You, Des Moines”). You can also watch a spot on the subject tonight on WHO TV in Des Moines at 5 p.m. It may be time to start taking some action/writing letters.
The Downtown Farmer’s Market is over, aside for two winter markets.
Trader Joe’s is open and is potentially adding to a tradition here in our city, driving small natural food stores out of business. Don’t forget the little guys.
That’s about it for the news. Stay tuned for my upcoming Vegan’s guide to getting harassed at the Thanksgiving Dinner Table.
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