First things first, those of you who are still hanging on in hopes that the LG will fill your eyeballs with knowledge on a more regular basis may be in lunch. I mean luck. Many of you know that I am an avid cyclist and a little out of my mind about riding, and i have been the last two weeks cheating on you, my tens of readers. Cheating on you with my bike, some new cold weather gear, and the almighty road. I have to say it’s been fun, but those things in your eye-holes have certainly been in need of some juicy giblets of information delivered by the gravy boat we call LG. Here is your first installment of our return to what we like to call:
“Our Regular Programming”
Let’s start off with a little recap of the story of tomorrow’s Thanksgiving holiday as told by a very unruly and intoxicated friend of mine named Burt. This story originally ran back a few weeks ago, and those of you who missed it certainly missed something really special. You can stop missing it right…about…now:
Some a-holes from Europe decided to float their boats toward China but the dumbasses didn’t know that America was in the way. A lot of people say that they left Spain or England or whatever so they could practice their religion, but that’s a load of crap. Who loads up a bunch of boats and people for a million mile trip when they could just move to France, where nobody gives a shit about anything but butter and cream anyway. I say they were just bored rich people like those teenagers who decided that they would try to sail around the world until their parents were like “oh no you aint” and the courts agreed and there were a few failures. It’s amazing what bored rich people are capable of. So they got in their fancy boats and went for a trip. They landed here, and met some Indians who were like “oh, these guys don’t have cool red beards and fancy animals carved on their boats [I think he is talking about the Vikings at this point], they look awfully uptight and probably need to chill out” so these Indians, you see, have the peace pipe and they offer it to the Pilgrims and they smoked. The pilgrims, used to “snuff” and uppers got really high and paranoid. They asked if the Indians had any snacks, and were like “hey, you don’t look like yer from China.” The Indians brought the Pilgrims some potatoes and berries and gave them directions to their “guy” in case they needed the hook up later. The Indians went about their business, but the Pilgrims were high, paranoid, and freaking out. So they gave them Smallpox. Not a very cool trade if you ask me…hey, can I get another shot? So anyway, the Pilgrims start taking out these Indians like they were all gangsta. They were doing some real damage, then decided to take over the whole country. Most of the Indians moved away from the East Coast because the hostile ass Pilgrims were always acting up, this is also why the East Coast is so much more hard core than the West Coast. It was the pilgrims, man! The Pilgrims then started killing turkeys. The TURKEYS are a symbol of the Indian. That’s why we can’t eat the Turkey man, it’s totally racist. We should only DRINK the turkey. Then the Pilgrims got into a big war with the French over some shit that wasn’t theirs in the first place, totally a white man thing to do, and shit they should have just moved to France to begin with and taken over France. Then maybe Paris would be New York City and America would be safer.
Now, I don’t know if or how you celebrate the Thanksgiving holiday, but I think it is safe to say that we all know how our friend Burt will be celebrating this year. No matter if or how you celebrate, or what history lesson you believe about the origin of this holiday, we at Locally Grown ask you to take a moment to think about what you are thankful for. Now take that list of what you are thankful for and actually thank anyone who is directly connected to what you have to give thanks. You might even be thankful for this lil Turkey of a blog. I know I am.
I recently picked up the new issue of Relish. More to come on that. For now, eat yo damn meal.
Oh, and one more thing. Don’t forget the Vegans and Vegetarians at your holiday meal.
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