Locally Grown

Due to the overwhelming (one) response to my last posting (which I don’t actually remember writing), it seems I am going to be needing to be providing some answers to my own questioning. After sitting back, taking it all in, then watching some Gallagher videos (or as I like to call him, Senor Aplastido), the answers came shimmering forth from the dark, kinda like a Majic 8-Ball®.

Oh, you forgot the question?

The question is this, what can be done to spruce up the food criticism in Our Town©? Further, our Dubious D.D. wonders “What Qualities Would You Like In A Food Critic?” Oh, viddy well me foodie droogies, viddy well, for I, your humble narrator, am about to molotov ye yarbles. (Sorry, Anthony Burgess)

“Qualities I Would Like In A Food Critic” by T.Cook

Here are a few, if not all
of the qualities I require
Therein a good critic call
For one you should hire

Humor, yes humor
Humor is a glorious thing
When used properly
And honestly
sprinkled with sugar
And no sacharine

Tell me my food is remarkable, unsinkable
Unthinkable to long for anyone else’s
Eat to contentment, no resentment please
You’re getting fatter not thinner eating your dinner…

Ok, ok. I had a realllly long hilly bike ride today and am a little prone to writing to tunes from Mary Poppins© or the Magic Toaster®. Here is the real list:

1. Honesty. When something is going wrong don’t ride it out, bring it to the attention of a management type (this doesn’t work if you are a Teacher) so that they may attempt to screw it up worse. (Maybe an even better list here would be qualities I would like to see in a FOH manager) I think that sometimes I read reviews of places I have been knowing there is some bullshit in the review.

2. Funny, like reeeaaalllly funny. Like the opposite of that show tune you just were subjected to. Everyone likes laughing.

3. Entertaining. See Funny.

4. Creative. Um, do YOU write in show tune? Good, get your own schtick. I would like to see new ideas, better concepts, cooler articles. Everyone in town has their own format. Fuck format, make people look around a page for info. Speaking of formats…Juice’s “Lunch Skywalker” format is thumbs down.

5. Very active in the local food scene. We have countless CSA’s, local dairies, livestock producers, fabulous chefs, and more. Why don’t we hear about them more than a blurb at the end of some food news?

6. A Positive Attitude. Huh?

FUNNY, HONEST, CREATIVE, LOCALLY ACTIVE, ENTERTAINING FOOD CRITIC WANTED. MUST APPRECIATE LOCAL GASTRO-SCENE AND ENJOY LONG WALKS AT THE FARMER’S MARKETS. PLEASE NO INANIMATE OBJECT ROMANTICIZERS OR “SKINNIES”

Also, many of the people who are making this food worked very hard to open a restaurant, make a menu, train a staff, and so forth so be fair. They aren’t all good, but the ones that are putting out good food should be noticed. There are a lot of “favorites” played in this town, and a lot of politics in the food scene period. Being or not being fair and objective sometimes means making or breaking someone’s livelyhood.

I want all of this and more. I want to be wowed, educated, and enticed into trying new things. Who is doing that in OUR TOWN?