Locally Grown

When reviewing a restaurant there are many pieces of information to take in to consideration. You want your readers to know first and foremost the basics about the establishment such as hours of operation, address, and phone number. You may want to add some spice such as the eatery’s history and a little about the neighborhood it calls home. Sounds like a good start, right?

Moving deeper into the review we should find a “first impression” of the “atmosphere” then on to initial contact with the service staff and blah blah blah.

Ok, if you are reading this right now, chances are you have had your eyes glued to at least one restaurant review in your lifetime. You probably understand what “need to know” information is (in this context, this isn’t a military operation), and what the reviewer thinks you need to know (in the DSM, I call this “Reviewer Mallow Fluff Pad”)

Here is some recent RMFP found weakly disguised as review.

B Sanchez Gets an RMFP “Like, OMG” Airhead award for the Feb 12th review of Indian Grill in DSM’s Downtown Skywalk.

(The Skywalk is the Great Hamster Maze for humans to seek food and warmth in Downtown DSM. I will write more on the subject another time).

The review is what I assume to be the first in a series of “Lunch Skywalker” peices. (Nice name, does it come in your size?) I gather that this is supposed to inform SkyMaze inhabitants of what they have in store, both for lunch and for Metromix/Juice sponsored “humor.”

Now, the necessary basic info is given, then on to the review. This is where everything takes a nose dive. B.S. mentions the posters on the walls. She makes comments that she is not going to order the chicken or whatever is advertised. Does she tell you that the spot was once occupied by Champps Chicken, or that the owners of Indian Grill decided to not only serve top-notch indian food but to also KEEP THE OLD CHAMPPS CHICKEN MENU ALIVE? Nope, just comment on the posters and move on. Nothing to see here. Does she ask the person who came to her table if she was the owner or not? Nope, just throws out a sideways assumtion and moves on. Speed Of Service. At the Buffet. Why Waste Words? It is a buffet, of course it is a logical choice for those in a time crunch.

There are many more shortcomings, but I have already written more words about the review than were actually contained within its…uh…paragraph. Maybe the Lunch Skywalker crew should just assemble a list of Skywalk Restaurants grouped by maze regions and skip the soul-stealing review attempts. Or maybe just learen to ask questions ( I am probably correct in assuming you were taught some sort of question-asking thingy in journalism school) Or maybe a “readers’ choice” poll is the way to go. The Register’s Grate Top Fifty SkyMaze Lunch Restaurant Poll Giveaway Sweepstakes.

I may just have to do my own series and call it the “SkyMazeGraze”

For this, B.S., you get a RMFP Award. Enjoy it. Shoot for the stars and you may reach Super-pap-dom.

On to our favorite, the Datebook Diner. Reviewed a Steak Caesar Salad. Nuff Said. Or “Fluff Sad”

Restaurant reviewers, quit conning the readers. Readers, find out for yourself by going out and TRYING these places.

Hugs and kisses.

The Cook

First off I would like to thank all of you whom have taken time out of your…time to read the words of this cook. It is nice to know there are some like-minded individuals in Des Moines. Keep the feedback coming, and I will keep spouting opinions.

I have some words regarding last week’s Blog, something about Chefs getting along. Apparently this concept has been deemed HORSESHIT in DSM, so please disregard the late night ramblings of a Kitchen Peace Activist. I still urge you non-chefs to pass along the words to any working chefs as I suspect most of the Chefs Of Des Moines have not seen nor have the time to search for this blog. In fact, let all of your friends – in or out of the restaurant industry- know what words have been spit out and encourage them taste the fresh barnyard flavor of Inter-Kitchen Peace.

“What is this HORSESHIT in front of me? I did not realize the internet was powerful enough to carry such a large load of HORSESHIT all the way to my eyes.”

I still think it is a good idea, at least it is a concept that could be locally grown.

On to TODAY’S subject (Notice this says today, not ‘this week’ for I may have MORE THAN ONE POST IN ME THIS WEEK).

Growing up in Iowa is much like growing up any place in the U.S. in that you have to eat food, usually a few times per day. At least once in a while you will eat one of these meals rather reluctantly due to it being mis-represented as food by the crook – er – Cook. Anyone following yet? What I am saying here is that sometime in your life you have had to eat a meal prepared by a family member or family friend and PRETEND IT WAS OK TO EAT. Dry burgers, stringy chicken, bland lumpy gravies, CANNED VEGETABLES, and the like are all culprits here. Crunchy mac and cheese (and not due to toasted bread crumbs), disintigrated lasagne noodles, you all can add a few to the list. What did you do in such situations? More often than not we are taught to grin and bear it. Bad Idea.

“Nathan, how is that yummy meatloaf? Huh?”
“Oh *retch* it’s good, Aunt Geri”
Scene cuts to under the table. Nathan stuffing meatloaf in his pockets for a later rondevouz with the outside trash can or neighborhood dogs.

Nothing good becomes of this passive eating technique. Teaching children to communicate is a very important job which adults drop the ball on when forcing kids to accept the inevitable bland chicken and dumplings as delicious. Showing kids at an early age that it is ok to disagree with food choices, within reason, could mean all the difference in the youngsters’ lives. A child taught to convey their feelings about food can help a future friend discover that they were missing something in their cooking, could lead to happier interpersonal relationships in adulthood, and will ultimately guide them through life as an honest contributing member of society. Allowing a child’s tastebuds to create lies to coddle the cook could turn them into a bitter, passive aggressive adult or worse…a FOOD CRITIC.

Anyway, until next time. Bon Apetite for Destruction.